Cryptic... But Needed

It's quiet in my house. Everyone is asleep, except me. Since becoming a mom, I've learned to enjoy these times.

The quiet drone of a fan.

A nearly muted tv set with an old rerun of "Roseanne" running.

The occasional sigh of the toddler sleeping blissfully next to me.

Tonight I am really relishing this time. Because I need to be alone. I don't want anyone to see my tears right now. They don't make sense to me, how could I expect them to make sense to anyone else?

I keep telling myself, I'm only reacting this way because I'm pregnant. It's just the hormones talking... or in this case, crying. Why am I taking it so personally? Why do I feel left out?

Am I taking it too personally?

Am I being left out?

I don't know.

Something happened. Something that upset me slightly. But as time passed, being upset turned to feeling hurt. Should I be angry? Should I be hurt? Should I care?

Maybe I am just overreacting.

The hard part is, I can't talk about it. I mean, I did. The person I chose to discuss it with was so supportive.

So why am I still bothered? Why am I so down?

Maybe it's just a combination of things. I'm pregnant. I'm tired.

But I keep going back to that feeling.

Hurt.

No one intentionally hurt me. I don't think that's the case. No way. So why can't I move on?

Why can't I just say, "Fuck it" and laugh it off?

Because. It hurts.

Because. I'm lonely.

Because.

I have so many wonderful things in my life right now. My beautiful daughter, my wonderful husband, a beautiful house... and another baby on the way. I just got a nice raise, I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I have made some wonderful new friends in the past two months.

Friends.

That's it.

Friends.

I never realized how lonely I was without them, until now. Now, I look back at all the years...so many friendships lost. Fizzled out.

I got tired of losing my best friend. So I quit having one.

That's not entirely true. Tom has been my best friend for more than a decade. I wouldn't change that for the world. Husband, lover, best friend.

He's amazing.

And yet, I've always missed that best "girl"friend. In my almost 33 years I've had a lot of them. Rosemary, Tonya, Miranda, Kari, Kyla, Jennifer, Stefany, my Mom, my sister.

I've never been the kind of person who has to have a lot of friends. Give me a few really close ones and I'm happy.

But even that close group of friends shrank into oblivion for nearly a decade. Everybody gets busy. It happens to us all. We don't mean to lose contact, it just happens.

And so, it did.

Until now.

Now I've started making new friends. Wonderful women. Funny women. Women who I just "fit" with, I feel like they've been a part of my life for years.

So what does this have to do with crying? Well, I promise you there IS a connection. It's just not fair to spell it all out here.

I guess, it all comes down to this... I feel left behind. And it hurts.

A lot.

It probably shouldn't. But it does. I've been lonely for a really long time. It's getting better now.
I keep telling myself I need to get over what happened. I need to let it go. I know I probably will. But not right now.

Not tonight.

Sometimes a girl just needs a good cry.

And a good friend.

I need both.