Just Make It Go Away
Of all the things we should've said, That were never said.
All the things we should've done, That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given, But I didn't.
It's hard to believe it's been four years. And yet, it's not that hard to believe.
Four years since my Dad died.
Tonight, I'm moved to tears.I miss him so very much.
It's not fair. Life's not fair, I know. But I shouldn't have lost my dad so soon. My dad was just two months shy of turning 51 years old when he died. Before he got the chance to watch his first granddaughter, my oldest niece (in the pics with him) grow into the beautiful young lady she is today. Before he got to see my sister's other beautiful daughter, named for him.
Before he saw my babies... my beautiful baby girl, Googie. Before he saw his grandson, who also shares his name.
I want to scream. Even now. Scream like I did the night I found out he was gone.
The pain feels as raw tonight as it did four years ago when I sat on my sister's front porch, racked with sobs.
I've wanted to write something on this sad anniversary. I've been composing it for months in my head.
But sitting here, in front of the computer tonight, all I can do is cry.
I miss his smell.
I miss his voice. Sometimes it's so hard to remember the sound of it.
I miss his laugh.
I miss his stupid jokes. He'd tell you the same joke 20 times. It never got any funnier, but that didn't matter. He was known for his sense of humor, for his pranks and his jokes.
I like to think I got my sense of humor from him.
We didn't always get along well in the last few years of his life. Sometimes I hate myself for that.
Especially around this time of year.
My dad wasn't a saint, but really who is? He was a good man. He was a good friend. He was a good dad.
I wish the pain of missing him so much would go away. I wish I could make it through this anniversary without tears... I wish I could just enjoy the warm memories...
Maybe someday.
I miss you Boudreau.
7 comments:
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much. Missing someone is the worst pain of all. Hug your babies, he is in them. I wish that I could give you a big hug tonight and cry with you. I love you!
I am at a loss for words. I love you.
Jen, I am so sorry for your hurt. Know that I am thinking of you and your family right now. I know nothing I say can make it go away. But I think I may understand.
Four years ago we began planning my mother's funeral. And while we are blessed she is still with us, my mother is not the same. I miss her too.
((hugs))
Oh it is so hard to believe it has already been 4 years since I got the horrible phone call while I was taking a bath. I will never forget that phone call. I jumped out of the bath tubed with shampoo still in my hair and all, got dressed as fast as I could and rushed right over. As I sat and read your blog it brought so many tears to my eyes and so many memories to my head. I just can't believe still that he is gone. You are so right about all the jokes he would tell, he would just always repeat them over and over again forgetting he had already told them. I can sit he and just go on and on with memeories with Fred and your family, like all of those rides to Atmore, the trip we toke to Panama City for spring break that one year, and the day he busted Ang and I with our cigerettes and told us he was going to take them down to the lab and have a saliva test done. Jen, I know it must hurt every year, but you have to remember he is in peace and he is with yall every single day watching over you. I LOVE YOU. .....with hugs and kisses RIP FRED I mean JEFF.
I just reread my post and man I have a bunch of miss spelled words...that's what Baker English got me. Sorry, but I know you will be able to figure out what I am saying.
I feel so bad-I am sorry you are going through so much. (((HUGS)))
I don't know you, but found your blog through NaBloPoMo. This is such a beautiful tribute to your dad. I lost mine eight years ago last Friday and your words brought all my own lingering pain to the surface. My thoughts go out to you.
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