Healing

I was released from the hospital Sunday evening. The little man was born Thursday morning at 7:39 am and was a chunker at 9 pounds, 5 ounces. His resp. rate was pretty high (around 100, normal is about 60) so they ordered a chest x-ray and put him under an oxygen hood.

On Friday they repeated the x-ray and ran some blood tests. There was fluid in his left lung and the blood tests indicated an infection. A neonatalogist was called in for a second opinion and it was determined Baby Brother had pneumonia. Incidentally, the same thing happened to Googie after she was born, but she was much worse and was rushed to the NICU for 10 days.

So obviously normal and birth experience do not belong together for me. Well, I guess actually maybe this is the normal birth experience for me... having a baby, never having the baby come to your room, waiting 24 hours or so after birth before ever even being able to hold your baby, having very few visitors or phone calls... I experienced severe depression when Googie was born.

I realize when a baby is born, it's really the baby people come to see in the hospital... not the mother... and boy, when your baby can't be held by anyone, people evidently just don't even bother coming. When you are at possibly one of the lowest points of your life, with hormones raging, emotions running high because you are scared for the life of your child... you are alone. I lived it with Googie... and I got to re-live it this weekend with BB. I had several family members and very close friends who didn't bother to visit or even call to check on me. I'm definitely hurting a lot about that right now. It's like being kicked when you are down and damn if it doesn't hurt.

Add to that the anxiety and feeling of inadaquecy when you pump and pump and pump to get colostrum and milk going for your baby and you get nothing. So I feel like a failure at childbirth and a failure at breastfeeding. However, I now have a prescription for Reglan to help my milk come in and my feelings of general anxiety are getting better since I'm home and BB is doing so well. I know the anxiety will be resolved once he's home with me.

Well enough of that... I am working through those issues and dealing with my depression and moving on.

BB's x-ray was clear and his blood work was normal. That means, when his antibiotics are finished up on Thursday he should be coming home with us. For now, we go down to the hospital every morning for a few hours and The Hub is going back to work in the evenings for a few days to save his vacation time for when BB is home.

So Googie and I have some one on one time.

As for me, my epidural WORKED during this c-section. I am healing physically, and not anywhere near as sore as I was after my first c-section. I am sore and physically tired, but I really feel great. Mentally and emotionally will take some time, but I also have medication for that and a great doctor who listens to me.